Literally Everything Comes Back to Self-Compassion

Literally Everything Comes Back to Self-Compassion

I have started to believe that, in one way or another, almost everything in therapy comes back to self-compassion.

Anxiety, depression, trauma, panic, shame, self-esteem, relationships, boundaries, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and even the choices we make when we are struggling all have something in common: the way we talk to ourselves matters.

I don't mean that self-compassion magically fixes everything. I mean that the way we respond to ourselves when we are struggling can either make change feel possible or make it feel nearly impossible.

If Negative Self-Talk Worked, We Wouldn't Be Here

I say this to my clients all the time: if negative self-talk worked, we wouldn't be here in therapy.

Most of us have already tried it. We've called ourselves lazy when we couldn't get something done. We've told ourselves we're being ridiculous when we're anxious. We've criticized our bodies, our choices, our relationships, and our emotions. We've told ourselves we "should" be doing better or that we need to "get it together."

Maybe sometimes that criticism gives us a temporary burst of motivation. But if it actually worked, we wouldn't keep ending up in the same place: feeling anxious, ashamed, overwhelmed, disconnected, or stuck.

So what if we tried something different?

Self-Compassion Is Not Toxic Positivity

When I talk about positive self-talk, I don't mean forcing yourself to believe that everything is wonderful when it very clearly isn't. Self-compassion isn't standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself that everything is perfect. It isn't pretending that painful experiences aren't painful, and it isn't finding a silver lining in every difficult situation.

Sometimes positive self-talk is actually neutral.

It can sound like, "This is really hard right now." It can sound like, "I'm having a difficult day, and that doesn't make me a failure." It can sound like, "I don't know what to do yet, but I can figure out the next step."

Self-compassion is really about learning to talk to yourself like you are a human being who deserves the benefit of the doubt. It is recognizing that you can hold yourself accountable while still treating yourself with kindness and giving yourself a little bit of grace.

You can say, "I made a mistake," without adding, "and therefore I'm a terrible person."

You can say, "I'm struggling with anxiety," without adding, "and there's something wrong with me."

You can say, "I need to make a change," without adding, "because I'm failing."

There is room for honesty without cruelty.

We Can Practice Thinking Differently

One of the reasons I talk so much about self-talk with my clients is because our brains learn through repetition. The thoughts and responses we practice over and over can become familiar pathways that our brains return to automatically.

If you've spent years responding to yourself with criticism, shame, or fear, compassionate self-talk might feel strange at first. That doesn't mean it isn't working. It means you're practicing something new. New is allowed to be uncomfortable. 

Every time you notice yourself saying, "Why am I like this?" and replace it with, "I'm having a hard time right now, what do I need?" you're practicing a different response.

Every time you make a mistake and replace "I'm so stupid" with "I made a mistake, and I can learn from it," you're practicing something different.

Every time you're anxious and replace "I need to stop feeling this way" with "My nervous system is activated, and I can help myself feel safer," you're creating an opportunity to respond to yourself with more compassion and get closer to allowing yourself to engage in skills that actually help. No one is motivated to breathe during a panic attack if you’re yelling at yourself that you suck!

The goal isn't to never have negative thoughts again. That isn't realistic. The goal is to become better at noticing those thoughts and deciding that they don't have to be the only voice in the room. For example, if you have the negative thought first, just add something more positive or neutral after to show your brain that you have more than one choice in what to believe 

The more we practice compassionate or neutral self-talk, the more familiar it can become.

Self-Compassion Can Help Heal Old Wounds

A lot of the ways we talk to ourselves didn't originate with us.

We learned them.

Maybe you grew up believing that mistakes were unacceptable. Maybe love felt conditional. Maybe your emotions were dismissed or criticized. Maybe you learned that being successful, useful, quiet, agreeable, or perfect was how you earned approval.

Maybe nobody taught you how to comfort yourself when you were scared, so you learned to motivate yourself through criticism instead.

Self-compassion gives us an opportunity to build a different relationship with ourselves.

It allows us to offer ourselves some of the things we may not have consistently received when we were younger: patience, reassurance, validation, encouragement, safety, and permission to be human.

This doesn't erase what happened to us. It doesn't change the past. But it can change the way we relate to ourselves because of what happened. Sometimes healing means learning to become the person for ourselves that we needed when we were younger.

Self-Compassion Doesn't Mean Letting Yourself Off the Hook

This is one of the biggest misconceptions about self-compassion.

Being compassionate toward yourself does not mean avoiding responsibility. In fact, I often find that self-compassion makes it easier to take responsibility.

There is a difference between saying, "It is my fault that I feel this way," and saying, "It is not my fault that I feel this way, but it is my responsibility to decide what I do next."

Those are very different messages.

You may not be responsible for the trauma you experienced. You may not be responsible for having anxiety, depression, PTSD, or panic. You may not be responsible for every thought that enters your mind or every reaction your nervous system has. But you are responsible for taking care of yourself now. You are responsible for recognizing when something isn't working and taking steps toward something different. And those changes are much easier to make when you're not spending all of your energy shaming yourself for needing to change.

Compassion Changes the Question

Think about what happens when you're already anxious and tell yourself, "I shouldn't be this anxious."

Now you're anxious and ashamed that you're anxious.

Or you're depressed and tell yourself, "I'm being so lazy. I need to get up and do something."

Now you're depressed and attacking yourself for having a hard time functioning.

Or you're experiencing panic and tell yourself, "Why can't I just calm down?"

Now you're experiencing panic while fighting against the fact that you're experiencing panic.

Self-compassion allows us to ask a different question.

Instead of, "What's wrong with me?" we can ask, "What do I need?"

Maybe you need to take a deep breath. Maybe you need to ground yourself. Maybe you need to move your body, rest, reach out to someone you trust, set a boundary, or ask for help.

The goal isn't to make the feeling disappear immediately. The goal is to stop making the experience harder by turning against yourself.

You Deserve to Feel Better

I want my clients to know that they deserve to feel better.

They deserve the relief of taking a big, deep breath when they're anxious. They deserve to rest without feeling like they have to earn it. They deserve relationships where they can be themselves. They deserve to make mistakes without destroying their sense of self-worth. They deserve to ask for help. They deserve boundaries. They deserve moments of peace.

And they deserve to believe that healing is possible.

Sometimes I think we underestimate how powerful it can be to simply remind ourselves, "I deserve to feel better."

Not because everything is okay. Not because we have done everything perfectly. Not because we don't have work to do. But because being human means that we are worthy of compassion while we are doing that work.

Maybe It's Time to Try Something Different

Most of us have spent years practicing negative self-talk. We've already seen where it gets us. So maybe it's time to experiment with something different.

The next time you notice yourself being incredibly hard on yourself, pause and ask, "Would I say this to someone I love?" If the answer is no, try again.

You don't have to go from "I'm a complete failure" to "I'm amazing and everything is perfect." You can start somewhere in the middle.

"This is really hard."

"I'm allowed to make mistakes."

"It makes sense that I'm feeling this way."

"I can take responsibility without shaming myself."

"I don't have to solve everything today."

"I deserve to feel better, and I can take one small step toward that."

That is the practice.

Not perfection. Not forced positivity. Not pretending that everything is okay. Just choosing, again and again, to become a little kinder toward yourself. Because maybe healing isn't about becoming someone who never struggles. Maybe healing is becoming someone who knows how to be there for themselves when they do. And if negative self-talk hasn't gotten us where we want to go, maybe it's time to try a different approach.