How To Not Feel Like A Burden 

While we all know that being human comes with its many ups and downs, it can be difficult for us to let others in to help or support us out of the fear of being a burden. It might feel easier to isolate in your sadness or anxiety instead of hearing the voice in your head that tells you, “no one cares,” or “I don’t want to cause problems for anyone else.” The reality is that we, as humans, are social creatures. In fact, theories that try to understand how humans have become the most intelligent form of life on Earth all posit that our ability to work together and rely on one another has contributed to our success as a species. Why, then, do we sometimes feel like expectations to that rule, and how can we work to change our resistance to asking for help? Here are five things you can try to remember when trying to fight the feeling of being a burden. 

Remember where this feeling comes from

You were not born feeling like a burden to others. This feeling is something that has been learned over time. It can be helpful for us to figure out where this feeling has developed so we can better recognize that maybe this feeling is not a fact or reality of life. Ask yourself if your needs were met when you were a child, how your caregivers tended to react to you when you needed help or support when you were young, and if it was safe to need help from others in your adolescence. As children, if we are not getting our needs met or do not feel safe, it is evolutionarily more effective for us to believe that we are the problem rather than giving up the belief that our caregivers are simply ineffective or scary. Where and why did you learn to internalize that your needs are burdensome to others? Remembering this can give you the strength to separate those past experiences from those you are around now. 

Remember that you’re projecting 

Most of the time we spend worrying about how other people feel about us, we are engaging in projection. This is when you take your insecurities or feelings and assume that the others around you are feeling and thinking those same things. For example, you may think that someone is annoyed at you when, in reality, you are just projecting your own insecurities about your behavior onto them. If you're unsure if you are projecting your insecurities, go ahead and ask safe people around you if they actually feel the emotions you keep assigning them. They will likely report back to you that their feelings are entirely different than those you have attributed to them. 

Remember how it feels to help others 

Doesn’t it feel good when someone trusts you with their problems? Doesn’t it make you feel closer to someone when you know they picked you to rely on for support? Your loved ones are no exception to this. People who love you genuinely want to be there for you and derive joy in knowing they can support and help you. Not only can it feel isolating for you to think that you are a burden, but it can isolate the people in your life who chose to be there with you. Letting your guard down and letting others in often allows them to do the same with you. So, not only may sharing your struggles with your support system make them feel good, but it can open the door for them to feel even safer doing the same with you. 

Remember that imperfection is human

You are not tricking anyone by hiding the things you struggle with. It is common knowledge that we as humans are simply imperfect. When we hide what these imperfections are from those who care about us, it creates one more barrier to being able to work on the problem. No one will be shocked that you’re a bit more anxious than you let on or that there’s more depression behind the smile than it appears. We are not as talented at hiding these things as we think we are, and the people close to us are not oblivious to our flaws or struggles. They are aware of what makes us imperfect and still choose to be there. When you let others in, you will likely find that no one demonizes your struggles the same way you do because they know having them is normal. 

Remember that it takes effort  

Believing we are not a burden is much harder than just saying it. It takes time and practice to get there, and that is okay! It will feel uncomfortable to let others in for the first time, and we will need to remind ourselves of all these factors over and over again. Practice is what is most effective when working to change this belief. Each time you let others in and get to feel the benefit of open arms and honest compassion is another time you strengthen the association between struggling and support. You can start with small things first and with people you know you can trust, allowing successful experimentation to build this relationship up. No matter your game plan, give yourself grace and time, and the feeling of being a burden will slowly slip away.