Why it’s Mean to Assume What Others Think 

Let’s be honest, we almost never assume that people are thinking nice things about us. With the exception of our few delusional moments where we think everyone has a crush on us, we mostly assume that those around us are judging, criticizing, and hating us. But isn’t that mean of us to assume? 

The assumptions we make about how other people feel and think about us rarely ever paint others in a positive light. If you think your partner is mad at you each time you express your feelings, even when there is no indication that it is true, aren’t you questioning their love and support for you? Or if each time your friends tell you they want to be there for you, you assume with no evidence that they wouldn’t actually support you, aren’t you questioning their trustworthiness and loyalty? 

In the moment, you do not connect those assumptions to the negative beliefs you have about the people in your life. And thats because they often aren’t there. Those beliefs do not stem from the reality of your relationship with those people, but from the false beliefs you have about yourself that you then project on to them. 

Where do those beliefs come from?

Your negative beliefs about yourself come from the experiences you’ve had beginning in early childhood. The interactions you had with your caregivers and parents formed the way that we think about ourselves. 

For example, if each time you got angry or frustrated as a child your parents reacted to you with anger of threats, you are unlikely as an adult to believe that anger and frustration are emotions that other people can tolerate in you. If you on the other hand were responded to with empathy, compassion and curiosity, you may be more likely to be an adult who expects that same response from your partner and friends. Basically, the way you were treated as a child informs the beliefs you have about how other people think about you as an adult. 

Another example can be demonstrated through the way we think others think about our appearance. If as a child your parents constantly pointed out what they viewed as flaws on your body, you are significantly more likely as an adult to assume that people in your life are also noticing what you believe are your physical flaws. In these situations, we totally negate the reality of what the people in our lives are capable of thinking and believing because our assumptions are based in our experiences, not theirs. 

Real life impact 

When we make these false assumptions about what other people think about us based on our own beliefs about ourselves, we tend to negatively impact the relationships themselves. For each time you assume your partner must be mad or annoyed at you for expressing yourself, your real life actions change to reflect that. Now you’re annoyed back at them and become short or distant in your interactions. How confusing that must be for the person genuinely trying to meet your needs. Likewise, the belief that our friends won’t want to support us leads us to isolate and become secretive or resentful, ultimately harming the genuineness of the friendship itself. And it must feel disappointing for our friends to feel rejected when all they want to do is take care of you. 

Many of the people in our lives do not deserve to be made out to be as mean, selfish, or dishonest as we make them out to be. Haven’t the people who love us proven that they are capable of thoughts so much deeper and vastly loving than we give them credit for? 

Check our assumptions

Just because you make these assumptions does not mean that all your relationships are doomed. In fact, there’s an easy way to start to make a change. Check your assumptions! 

The next time you find yourself assuming what someone else is thinking about you, ask yourself if these are your own beliefs that you are projecting on to them. Ask yourself if there is evidence based on their past actions to support the assumption you are making. You can even ask them! Try and allow yourself to notice when these assumptions are happening, if anything triggers them, or when they feel like they get better or worse. By just increasing your awareness of these assumptions, you are taking back power in fighting these negative self beliefs. 

Be patient 

Lastly, it’s so incredibly important to be patient with yourself as you begin this journey. The beliefs you have about yourself were not formed by you - they were formed through your childhood experiences by the grown-ups around you. You cannot change these beliefs in one day and you will not catch every single assumption you make right away. With effort and time, true change is possible and the difference in the assumptions you make will be evident.