The Hidden Form of Abuse: Parentification

Abuse comes in many forms, some more well known and understood than others. One form of abuse less commonly talked about is called parentification. Parentification is the process in which a child takes on the role of an adult, assuming both emotional and/or practical responsibilities that are usually the parent’s duty. In this dynamic, the parent shifts into a more dependent, child-like position within the parent-child relationship. Parentification is unique in that if it occurs sometimes, it is not definitively abusive or even harmful. Instead, it is when this process takes place repeatedly or consistently throughout a child's life that it becomes detrimental for the child involved. 

What makes parentification a form of abuse is that it causes real consequences for the children involved when taken too far. Asking a child to help out a bit extra or venting to them here and there is likely not going to cause major destruction to their mental health and development. However, more extreme forms of parentification do cause real problems for parentified children both in their adolescence and in their adulthood. 

For instance, children who experience parentification are more likely to report internalizing issues, such as depression, anxiety, and physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches. They are also prone to externalizing behaviors, including aggression, disruptive conduct, substance abuse, self-harm, and ADHD symptoms. Additionally, parentified children often face social challenges, showing lower competence in interpersonal relationships, and academic difficulties, such as frequent absenteeism and poor performance in school. If unaddressed, these problems can persist into adulthood and impact their mental health and functioning. 

Types of Parentification

Parentification can look different for different people. The following are two forms of parentification that you may have experienced or relate to. 

Instrumental parentification

Instrumental parentification involves assigning children functional tasks, such as grocery shopping, paying bills, preparing meals, and managing household logistics. This form of parentification often occurs in families where one or both parents are incapacitated and need daily assistance or are unable to handle these responsibilities due to factors like illness or the need to work to support the family's financial stability. This form of parentification has been found to have less negative consequences for the wellbeing of children and their development into adulthood. 

Examples of instrumental parentification can include:

1. Household Management: A child is responsible for tasks typically expected of an adult like running the household, cooking meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and maintaining the home environment.

2. Caring for Siblings: A child takes on the role of primary caregiver for younger siblings by  ensuring they are fed, dressed, helped with homework, and put to bed, often in the place of a parent.

3. Financial Responsibilities: A child is tasked with being the financial manager of the house by paying bills, managing the family’s budget, or even negotiating with service providers.

4. Shopping and Errands: A child handles grocery shopping, picking up medications, or other household errands. 

5. Transportation and Scheduling: A child may be responsible for coordinating and ensuring transportation for siblings or even the parent, such as getting to school, doctor appointments, or extracurricular activities.

6. Taking Care of an Ill Parent: A child provides physical care for a parent who is incapacitated or ill, such as administering medication, helping with mobility, or handling medical appointments.

Emotional parentification

Emotional parentification occurs when a child is required to meet the emotional and psychological needs of a parent. In this dynamic, the child may be expected to understand and cater to the parent's emotional needs, act as a confidante, offer unwavering support, and intervene during periods of psychological distress. This type of parentification, which frequently coexists with instrumental parentification, is typically seen in families where a parent struggles with mental illness or attachment issues. The parent, dealing with their own unresolved emotional challenges often rooted in their own childhood, relies on the child for emotional support without reciprocating. This form of parentification often has more harmful effects on the child's development compared to instrumental parentification.

Examples of emotional parentification can include:

1. Confidante to the Parent: A child is expected to listen to and comfort the parent about adult issues, such as marital problems, financial struggles, or personal insecurities.

2. Crisis Management: A child is regularly called upon to help calm the parent during emotional breakdowns or psychological crises, acting as a stabilizing force during times of stress or mental health challenges.

3. Providing Emotional Support: A child is expected to be a constant source of emotional support, offering reassurance and validation to the parent, while often neglecting their own emotional needs in the process.

4. Managing the Parent's Mood: A child learns to anticipate and manage the parent’s emotions, walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, and taking responsibility for ensuring the parent is happy or stable.

5. Taking on the Role of a Partner: Also called spousification, in the absence of emotional support from other adults, the parent might rely on a child for emotional intimacy, advice, or companionship, making the child feel responsible for the parent's emotional well-being in a way that a romantic partner should.

Do parents do it on purpose? 

Unfortunately this is not quite a straightforward answer which can make it a little harder for individuals who have been parentified to process. Many parents do not do this on purpose and frankly just don’t know better. Although this is not an excuse, it is usually the consequence of generational patterns and trauma that your parents also experienced. Because parentification is not as easy to identify or as well known as physical or verbal abuse, many parents are unaware that they are even doing something wrong. The cause and effect may be more difficult for some parents to see. 

Moreover, sometimes parentification, especially instrumental parentification, can be hard to avoid. A parent cannot always control whether or not they are ill, if they have enough resources to take care of their own needs or the needs of all their children, or their financial stability. It is also difficult for a parent who suffers from poor mental health to not extend their need for support to their children as well as other adults. Parent and child relationships are so nuanced and so the boundaries can be blurred very easily. 

If any of these definitions or examples feel familiar to you, it is important that you give yourself space to process and understand the impact parentification has had on you. Being aware of how parentification has shown up for you and understanding its significant impact can help you to be a cycle breaker when starting a family of your own. Learning and accepting this reality is your first major step to self acceptance and change.